Alone Into the Alone

These words came from the book “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis and it pierced directly into my heart.   See I thought we had more time.  We were planning on taking a trip to London in December.  We wanted to explore more things now that we settled in our dream city.  I thought there would be more laughs, more disagreements, more memories, and even more love.  Yet on June 14, 2020, that all felt like it got cut off.  It feels like a part of me has died with my husband.

So here I am at the age of 48 trying to adapt to this new life called widow.  It’s in a sense a journey of alone into the alone.  Everyone can have sympathy which is greatly appreciated, but no one really understands the pain of this besides a fellow widower.  Some try to compare it like a divorce.  Yet a divorce is a choice, becoming a widower is basically decided for you.  You don’t have a choice in this new role.  You basically have to sink or swim in it.

As I face the alone into the alone, I can yet see the beauty in the ashes that God always bring.  I realize there was a point where Jesus had to enter the alone into the alone when he had to face Calvary.   He experience God having to turn his back on him due to our sins laid on him. He knows this type of pain.  So for those of us who maybe entering an alone into the alone moment, remember we have the YET GOD who will never leave us nor forsake us!

 It is not easy for a widower.  I always covered them in my prayers, but now I am one who needs the covering myself.  Nevertheless there is a strength and love that can only be filled by Abba Father that makes this difficult journey beautiful.  Not everyone gets to experience such a love in a marriage.  So I’m grateful for my spouse loving me the way God loves me, the in spite of love.  I’m grateful for the wonderful memories we shared and some obstacles that Lord got us through.  So I say to fellow widowers,  especially those that are new to this club as myself, be encouraged to know that there are yet beauty in the ashes that only our God can bring!

When Darkness Feels Like Your Friend

Psalms 88:18

You have taken away my companions and loved ones.  Darkness is my closest friend.

Have you ever been in this place?  A place where it seems so dark that you can’t even think about the light, let alone see it.  A place where you feel so empty.  Days run into weeks and weeks run into months.  Where you’re physically around but mentally elsewhere?

Death has been a dark place for me.  First with my beloved Grandmother who was the clue of our family.  Facts, our family haven’t been the same since her transition.  That was followed by my beloved mom who I admired so much in so many ways.  I had to witness my brother for a moment dance with the dark side after her transition.  Then in April of this year, my mother-in-law spread her wings from this earth.  I thought it was my turn to play the supportive role for my husband as he did I when this pass June he said his goodbye to this realm as well.  It feels like every last one of my blankets that kept me warm are now all gone from this realm.  The hurt, the pain, the tears; even the anger at times has become my new normal.

It would be easy to take the route of Job’s wife with the curse your God and die syndrome.  Darkness has a way of sucking you into its own little world of addictions and chaos that  disguise itself as pleasures.  Darkness can even feel like it’s your friend and ask you for a dance. Yet even in darkness we have a choice.

Psalms 139:12

Even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.

Yes, we can choose for the light to yet shine as light never leaves us!  He said He will never leave us nor forsake us. Just meditate on the beautiful God we serve for a moment.  He got angry, He wept, He knew how it felt to be betrayed, and He even understands the feeling of being alone.  He understands every emotion one can be going through for such a time as this.  His compassion fail not .So I pass on that dance with darkness and continue to look to Jesus who is the author and finisher of my faith!  

Therefore, it's ok not to be or feel ok.  One should allow their selves to release the anger, the pain, the hurt, the tears, and even the new norm of life. Nevertheless know we are not alone.  The Comforter is always here! Who else can provide pure peace, strength, and even joy in times like these-only God!

So I encourage those that feel like taking a dance with darkness to still draw from the light as He is the light.  As they say, to every beginning there is an end.  Yet it is HIS WORD that will abide forever. Rest in His Word.  Rest in HIM!