Monday, May 30, 2016

Wounded



Memorial Day can be a hard day for some while others just see it as a day off from work. Life journeys are never straight.  Isaiah 45:2 lets us know there are times when the journey will be crooked.  As I was celebrating the New Year with my hubs, I had no idea what was ahead of me just two months later.  I was warned through a dream that death was knocking at the door, I just didn’t know how close that knock was going to be.

My mother was a woman of faith.  I would watch this woman praise God through losing a job, a house, and even close friends.  You would never know by her praise on Sundays that we were trusting God for food or going to the Salvation Army for clothes.  Yet I learn just how real God was through those experiences as we never went hungry and never had to be on the streets.  God kept us.  Yet my mom became my inspiration as she would praise God through it all. Even ‘til the end she would minister to people in the middle of her own pain, she yet worship God although she lost part of her leg, and I was yet able to suck up her spiritual wisdom during our talks.

The month of March came. At the beginning of that month mom ended up in the hospital again.  As usual she was yet praising God in the midst of turmoil.  We were still able to talk with her and pray with her.  We would yet encourage each other by God’s word.  Yet this visit didn’t feel like the others.  One day I came in and mom showed me this scripture:

 Psalms 116: 15 Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints. 

I remember pausing, but then went into the devil is a liar, you are not going anywhere.  Yet it was like my mother knew something that I didn't want to accept.  For years I would watch God heal her, heal the family, she be used as an instrument for healing with others.  I knew God could do it again. By the middle of March, all of the sudden I felt a shift in my prayers over mom.  They were no longer being fully released like I was use to.  I started questioning ok, did we sin?  Why the sudden shift?  The doctor informed me that my mother only had two months to live.  My first reaction was you are not God.  Then I felt like someone came into that hospital room and put their arms around me.  I was overwhelmed with peace.  Towards the end of March, we could barely talk to mom.  It was just pain med and helping her in ways I didn’t think I would ever have to assist her in.  Yet I made the decision to yet stand on God’s word, no matter what I was seeing.  When I would feel overwhelm, that same experience of someone coming in and putting their arms around me would happen which would give a peace unexplained.  By March 29, 2016 my mom transition, but I could yet see the beauty of God in her death.  He granted her desire; she passed in her sleep, in her own bed, with her family as she always talked about.  At her home-going, a  girl we never stopped praying for came and ended up getting prayer and have been coming back to church ever since.
Here is the struggle. 

The bible lets us know we are to rejoice at a saint’s death, and yes we did rejoice at my mother’s home-going.  Yet I found myself feeling guilty for wanting to cry, for wanting to wipe my grief away with carvel cakes, and at times just wanting to be by myself and talk to no one.  God is so good, even in grief.  He used my sweet sister @spreadingjoy to say a statement that stuck with me:  it’s ok not to be ok.  When I saw that, it hit my heart so.  So yes, I rejoice that my mom got her new body with no more pain or sickness.  However the scripture says: 

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds in Psalms 147:3.

 Truth-my heart has been broken.  Mom was only 64 years of age and part of me don’t understand why God didn’t heal another time.  It hurts I can no longer go by the house and just talk with her.  It hurts that I can no longer witness her yet praising God or ministering to people.  I even miss her fussingJ  I am a witness that it’s ok to not be ok.  God sends his comfort every single time.  He uses people, He uses his word, and his awesome presence is the best.   He is yet healing my broken heart, but I encourage all saints that maybe grieving to yet trust in our God. For those that may have lost a love one due to servicing their country remember He will truly give you peace that passes our understanding if you let him!


Prayer:  Father in the name of Jesus, we may not understand but we know all things work together for good, even in moments of lost.  You are the God that comforts.  Comfort all those that maybe experiencing a lost.  Jehovah Shalom, you are our peace.  Saturate our spirits with your peace that passes our understanding.  Heal our broken hearts and bind up our wounds.  We thank you Father that we can cast all our cares upon you, which includes our grief.  We thank you for removing the heavy burdens and destroying all yokes.  We give you all praise in Jesus name we pray.  Amen.

1 comment:

  1. You my sweet sister have such great love for your mom, it's no wonder you have great pain during this time of separation. We do rejoice that they are walking the streets of gold, but are sadden that they will no long walk beside us here. It's hard, it's painful and you will be sad and that is ok. Missing her is ok and having times where you need to be alone is all completely ok.

    we all grieve differently. My dad was 64 when he passed away too.

    The Lord uses time as a great healer. The tears will ease...I promise but it will take time.

    and that is ok.

    don't let guilt make your grief worse. Stay focused on the Lord, tell Him. Tell him of your hurts - tell him outloud.

    You are an amazing daughter and woman of God.

    You take the time you need.

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